I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
