one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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