oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
