oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
