I wish I could teleport
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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