I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
