I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
God, you're like boner-b-gone
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
It's blow job season.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
