There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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