did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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