im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
