barbara walters just said penis...
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
