my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
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