I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
