I'm so fucking centered right now
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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