Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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