I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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