The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
