i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
The Olympian is in my bed
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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