You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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