I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
