no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
