She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Your topless pictures make me question reality
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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