do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
