Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
