She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
