The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
