Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
