Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
