My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
