my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i barfeds in our rink
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
