Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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