sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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