I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
