She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
