Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Randomize
