don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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