This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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