Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
