Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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