I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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