it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
