if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
