you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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