I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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