i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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