I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
The police scanner is talking about you again....
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize