I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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