End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
So much rum. So many feels.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
