my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
