I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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