I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
