She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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