I wish they made helmets for livers.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
