I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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