Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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