nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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