wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
