He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
