How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
