bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
