i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
