She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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